Let's Hear it for the Boys

Tonight I had dinner and drinks with a guy I’ve know for a while – and in a couple different incarnations - who is a solid human being and really great friend. On the drive home, I had a moment of realization: I am so lucky to have such strong, intelligent and caring men in my life.

So often, women (myself included) kvetch over the negative attributes that men bring into our lives: we cry and complain and curse and contemplate. We bond over their ability to cause us pain, frustration and general confusion. But in this moment, I am truly grateful for the wonderful men who make up a big part of my life; not only providing comfort and companionship, but also entertainment and general handiness.

From my best friend who is one of the most talented and charismatic men I have ever met; whom I speak with daily, inspires me often, and allows me to experience a more leisurely, yet exhilarating way of life that is so contrary to my natural state.

To my business partner and our superstar employee – both men and, for the record, in their 20’s and 30’s respectively – who keep me endlessly entertained and supported at work.

From my ex, a brilliant creative, who at one time, both drove me crazy and taught me the meaning of love, and now keeps residence as a permanent member of my “family.”

To my actual male family members - my dad and young brothers - who are far away but so present in my heart and a significant part of who I am.

From the comfortable, handsome intellectual who is so uncomplicated, but is always there when I need something a little more.

To the mild affair I could never have, but nevertheless remains a supportive presence.

These men are remarkably different in so many ways, but they share the similarity of being a part of my community and my heart. They have provided me an amazingly well-rounded education in the ways of the opposite sex, and have enriched my life in more ways than I can express.

I often have trouble sharing my deep affection for those closest to me, but tonight, in the most public way I know possible, I say thank you and much love.

I don’t know if these deep connections with great men are a commonality for most women, but for the good of all, I truly hope this is the case.

Let’s hear it for the boys.

Jury Duty!

I am writing this blog post from the jury room at the Clara Shortridge Foltz Criminal Justice Center in downtown Los Angeles. I am waiting with about 200 other people to see if I will be selected on to uphold the 6th Amendment.

The packed room includes a very diverse group of people: many cultures, several languages, businesspeople, students, retirees, “homemakers” (why is this term still relevant?) and even a familiar face: a fellow board member of LA’s BEST. It intrigues me that so people from such different walks of life have been mandated to gather at the same place on the same day.

Yet most people are bitching about being here.

Which I understand because I have been hearing from people all week about what I can do to get out of this “situation” – just don’t go, lie when they ask you questions, tell them you are racist. Really? Is that what society (or perhaps just my social circle?) has come to: being dishonest to dodge a process that was founded to ensure that each person is provided due process?! If we were in the same place, wouldn’t we want the best possible people listening to our case?

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand the inconvenience of serving jury duty. At this moment, I have several active events happening at work and my business partner is on maternity leave. But I hardly think that I am so important that a couple days out of the office will materially affect the course of my business. And, unlike others in the room, I will still pull a paycheck if I actually have to sit on an active case.

Having said that, I still have my fingers crossed that I will be released at the end of the day, thus fulfilling my responsibility for an entire year. Because although I know I would be an excellent juror and would find the process very interesting, I am really not that virtuous (or crazy) that I am hoping to be selected - it would be a nuisance to be out of the office for an extended period of time, and God forbid the BDI team be left to their own devices for too long in beautiful summertime weather!

But if I am selected to serve, I will suck it up, be honest and perform to the best of my ability; not only it is a basic tenet of a democratic society, but it is also an importance practice of the Golden Rule. And certainly if I were on trial, I would hope that everyone does the same for me. 

I'd Rather Work than Date?

Since my last serious relationship three years ago – and a rough, quick heartbreak shortly after – I have truly been more interested in working and having a fun single life than I was in looking for a mate. I loosely dated here and there, but never anything too serious, and without expending too much effort.

And then, like biological clockwork, I recently realized that I was ready to be in a relationship again – perhaps settle down a bit and really invest some time with a significant other. And, in the most timely way possible with very little patience necessary, I met someone who was actually a great catch: smart, attractive, interesting, listened to NPR! And was thinking he was ready to settle down too. Man, I just love it when that happens!

So we went on a first date. And another and some more. And talked. And kissed. And it was fun and exciting and hopeful.

And now, a few weeks and a touch of an emotional investment later, he’s back with his ex. And that my friends, is dating! I totally forgot that’s how it goes.

What I have been more accustomed to in recent years are the rules of running a business. Make a to-do list; cross things off. Target new business prospects; fulfill their needs. Hire worthy employees; give them projects. Enter bills; invoice clients.

Of course in business, there is still some heartbreak and disillusionment, but it is much more measured and anticipated. Surely you cannot expect to land every client you pursue. Not all employees you hire will be superstars. There are times of financial uncertainty. Clearly there are good days and bad. But all in all, there are rules of engagement – and to me, it all makes sense and follows a generally predictable pattern.

So really, right now, I’d rather work than date. It’s easier - and there is a greater chance of success.

But there was a time, not long ago, when running my business was not so easy. It was unfamiliar and hard and forced me to learn new skills and new ways of doing things. I messed up and felt out of place and wasn’t always sure what I was doing. I cried and bitched and questioned my decisions.

Which kind of sounds like how I feel when I’m … dating.

So maybe finding a mate isn’t much unlike running a business after all (many self-help authors have often made this claim). Maybe it's more likely that I am just at a different stage of the dating game than I am in the sport of business. Not that there aren’t still bad days and tough losses; but at least now I understand where it’s coming from and recognize that it’s par for the course. And I have the knowledge that one day, it just clicked and I found my groove.

And I guess that is wherein the hope lies. As with building a company, there should be a day – hopefully in the not so distant future – when the rituals of dating will become easier and more familiar. That the bumps will become more tolerable and better navigated. That I will be as successful at it as I am in business.

Luckily, I’m a very fast learner.

Is Marriage Still Relevant?

Marriage has been on my mind in recent months. Not sure why since the news has been filled with reports of cheating politicians (and Tiger), voters refusing to extend the right to gays and lesbians, and a personal understanding of the affects of divorce.

And yet, the thoughts persist. Which is shocking news to me, as for most of my adult life I haven’t had much interest in joining the ranks of the blissfully bound.

Marriage is an institution that dates back to medieval times as a way to ensure the connection of well-to-do families. It also comes in handy for raising children – as two, bonded human adults can better care and provide for their offspring. And there was a time – not too long ago – where getting married was the epitome of success for young women in America.

More modern times have seen marriage provide tax benefits, a big party where friends and family buy you gifts you specifically request, and also, according to Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love and her most recent tome on marriage, Committed, “a giant sack of expectations” of your partner including, “best friend, romantic partner, someone who inspires you everyday, helps your career, co-parents with you, etc.”

So with all of these risks and expectations and outdated models of pair-bonding, why is it that all of a sudden the idea of marriage suddenly appeals to me? Perhaps that now, on the eve of my thirties, I am getting more settled, more interested in long-term planning and commitment. Maybe it represents a life that is more familiar to me as most of my friends are now married and having babies. Or maybe it’s a novelty that I have yet to experience.

As for whether or not marriage is still relevant … the answer to that varies by individual and context. For society? Perhaps. Married people tend to be happier, healthier and more successful in life that us singletons. But for me does it provide a “significant and demonstrable bearing on the matter at hand”? Not really.

I’m quite certain that I can have a committed relationship, good health and myriad of success without matrimony. But some days, depending on the outcome of a date, the tug of my biological clock and/or the frequency with which I hang out with my married friends, it feels to be more significant than others.

So while my mind is now open to the idea of nuptials, my heart knows that it isn’t a necessary course of action to define my relationship, prove my place in life or secure the course of my future. We’ll see what happens... have several steps to go before walking down the aisle: like finding a man who I could possibly tolerate spending “the rest of my life” with. And good luck with that!

Dating in the Meantime

I recently re-watched one of my favorite movies of 2009: 500 Days of Summer. It just came out on DVD and is a must see for anyone who is a member of the modern dating world.

The movie is non-chronological telling of the number of days spent between beautiful, independent Summer and disillusioned, love-struck Tom. But more importantly, it’s a spot-on look at the makings, breakings and intimacies of what I call a “meantime relationship.”

This is a situation I understand well: I’m pretty sure I’ve spent more time in a meantime relationship than in a proper one – and on both sides. But what the movie clarified for me is something that I have known all along, but sometimes forget: when things are indefinable for an extended period of time, a long-term relationship does not follow.

A “meantime relationship,” as chronicled in 500 Days has several markers of a regular relationship – a real connection, physical attraction, a solid friendship, invested feelings, intimate relations. But what it generally lacks is one side being invested enough to make it a full-fledged, let’s give this a whirl, venture.

And it usually begins by one saying to the other, “I’m not looking for anything serious."

One may wonder why these relations are pursued when they are founded on such lackluster beginnings. I think it’s because there is a genuine affection, some seratonin kicks in, and it’s nice to have to have someone to hang out with - surely there must be the possibility of something more?! Even though the pieces don't add up to the whole, there’s still enough good in the situation to stick around and see what could happen.

But eventually – somewhere around Day 80 - frustration sets in. In the movie, an uncertain Tom asks Summer what they “are” – friends or a couple? And, she responds, “Why do you feel a need to put a label on things?”

Which is what people say when they know that their label won't correlate to your label. Because for the most part, we revolve around universally understood levels of relationships, generally fitting into one of the following categories:

• Platonic Friends: Men who fall into this category include husbands and boyfriends of your girlfriends, co-workers, gay men and other males with whom you have absolutely no attraction, but still enjoy their company.
• A Crush: You are interested in him, or he in you, but one of you is absolutely not interested in pursuing the relationship further, and it ends there. Unless, you move into…
• Friends with Benefits: A ritual as old as time and a sure bet when certain needs must be met. Both parties are physically attracted to each other, but for whatever reason, neither has any intentions to take things to the next level. Note: this category ONLY works if you truly don’t have urges to be properly….
• Dating: Both parties are physically attracted to each other and want to pursue things further, which is made clear to each other and the world by monogamous behavior, regular patterns of meals and outings, shared intimacy, plus communicated feelings that both parties may one day be interested in having a….
• Committed Relationship: This serious, long-term venture often involves living together and the assumption that one day marriage and/or family could be possible (or has already taken place).

Meantime relationships fall somewhere between friends with benefits and dating, and have the distinct characteristic of one person understanding the relationship to be within one category, while the other sees it as another. While navigating this modern dating world, it may take a while to fully understand which category your relationship falls within - or to realize that the one you’re in isn’t where you want to be.

At the end of the movie, Tom asks Summer how she knew her new guy was the one for her. She quietly replied, “I woke up and knew… what I was never sure of with you.”

Ouch. The sold-out Arclight crowd literally gasped in pain. But for me, it verbalized in one sentence what I have intuitively known, and have occasionally tried to ignore: most of the time, you just aren’t “the one.”

And that's okay - at one time or another, most people won't be until they are. And there are lots of things to be learned in the meantime. The trick is to learn before too much is invested.

All Growed Up

I’ve had a very busy month. This generally happens to most people in December, as it is filled with shopping, travel, wrapping up at work, packing and holiday partying it up. In my frenzied-ness, I’ve put off many of the normal day-to-day duties like grocery shopping, car washes and laundry – my clothes, sheets, blankets and towels have been dying for bath for a good three weeks now. Yikes.

And since I am leaving tomorrow for Christmas with mom, I had no choice but to spend my last night in town hunkered down at the neighborhood Laundromat to get it done. I’m personally laundering 12 loads while watching the Idol holiday special on the 19” TV and chatting with the attendant – yes, this is the glamorous life.

The smart thing to do would have been to take my clothes to the dry cleaner to have them fluffed and folded. I considered this, but decided that I didn’t want my dry cleaner checking out my underwear – not all of them are as cute as I would like to imagine. So in vanity, I sacrificed an entire evening to retain the safety of someone not knowing that I occasionally wear stretched-out pink cotton briefs.

So here is what I’ve taken away from this experience: if you own underwear that you don’t want others to see, get rid of them. It feels like a very grown-up thing to do. And as I’ve been thinking more about my list of New Year’s resolutions, some other mature to do’s have been on my mind as well. They include:

Wooden Hangers
A friend of mine swears that one should only have a closet full of wooden hangers. They are the best accessory to properly maintain your clothes – and their presence is a daily reminder that you are taking care of the things you own. Since my closet is half-filled with dry-cleaner wire hangers, it will probably cost me a fortune to check this one off the list – but probably well worth the investment.

Earthquake Kit
I live in Los Angeles and an earthquake at some point is inevitable. The responsible thing for us Angelenos to do is be prepared with “kit” that includes an emergency action plan, cash, water and canned goods. My ex always included a motorcycle in this plan (for driving through the desert to safety, of course), but I think I will be okay with a pair of old tennis shoes in the trunk of my car. And for those of you not in Los Angeles, this plan seems necessary for any of other run-of-the-mill natural disasters or emergencies.

How/When to Say No
I am a people pleaser by nature and I love being helpful. So I often say “Yes!” when someone asks me if I can help with something. But I am starting to get the sense that saying no is not only okay to do, but it is often quite necessary. And my gut seems to confirm this idea: almost every time I do something that I really don’t want to be doing, I get an overwhelming feeling of being unsettled – probably recognizing that I am prioritizing my life around someone else’s needs. So when someone asks me, “Can you ____________?” I am going to play a game called: Is this something that is important to me to help out with? And if the answer is no, I am going to try really hard to vocalize that.

Cash Savings
For years, I have been listening to Suze Orman advise women that they should have eight months of living expenses squirreled away in a liquid savings account. I am not a huge saver, so every time I read it I thought, “How in the world would I be able to save that much money?” Well, I’ve determined that it is eventually possible and in this economic environment, it’s probably a good idea. Knowing me, I will probably end up spending it on a trip to Italy, but at least I will have proven to myself that I am able to save.

So on my short list of resolutions, I’ve decided I’m saying no to obligation, multiple loads of laundry, wire hangers and being unprepared for an emergency. And yes to a very grown up New Year. I hope you will too!

Dream a little dream...

I recently had a dream about a life that wasn’t mine.

It was quite nice and featured a wonderfully loving relationship with a really great man – the kind of man that women really do dream about: handsome, successful, loving, funny, smart, completely connected. There was giddy fun, meals accentuated with great wine and long chats. I felt safe, loved and challenged.

And then I woke up. And I spent the day mourning the life I had a quick glimpse of.

And now that dream has really got me thinking. For years I’ve enjoyed my independence and my almost selfish regard for crafting a life that allows me to do what I want when I want. I’ve always been slightly skeptical of marriage and not 100% sure that I would have children, and I've never truly understood women who have singular intentions to achieve these things -certainly there are more important life goals like crafting a fulfilling career, exciting travel, sleeping in on the weekends, nights out, and fun men in the wings.

Don’t get me wrong: I really do like my life. It’s full and flexible and self-reliant. It includes close friends and a cat and a successful business. But now something has shifted slightly - and makes me think I’m ready to take a chance that will add something new. My Dream Dictionary says that “to dream of love/loving/being loved suggests … that you have a need to bring more of what characterized that relationship into your waking life.”

I think Jungian theory may be right on this one.

Surely one dream wont completely change my mentality; but that experience, coupled with the realization that I’m turning 30 this year, that it’s been almost three years since my last serious relationship and that the majority of my friends are coupled and procreating, has got me thinking about the future – and speculating that I might be ready to find that person to share it with.

It’s an exciting proposition. And with any luck he will also love sleeping late on Sundays, good food and wine, Oregon football, neurotic cats – and me.