Is Marriage Still Relevant?

Marriage has been on my mind in recent months. Not sure why since the news has been filled with reports of cheating politicians (and Tiger), voters refusing to extend the right to gays and lesbians, and a personal understanding of the affects of divorce.

And yet, the thoughts persist. Which is shocking news to me, as for most of my adult life I haven’t had much interest in joining the ranks of the blissfully bound.

Marriage is an institution that dates back to medieval times as a way to ensure the connection of well-to-do families. It also comes in handy for raising children – as two, bonded human adults can better care and provide for their offspring. And there was a time – not too long ago – where getting married was the epitome of success for young women in America.

More modern times have seen marriage provide tax benefits, a big party where friends and family buy you gifts you specifically request, and also, according to Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love and her most recent tome on marriage, Committed, “a giant sack of expectations” of your partner including, “best friend, romantic partner, someone who inspires you everyday, helps your career, co-parents with you, etc.”

So with all of these risks and expectations and outdated models of pair-bonding, why is it that all of a sudden the idea of marriage suddenly appeals to me? Perhaps that now, on the eve of my thirties, I am getting more settled, more interested in long-term planning and commitment. Maybe it represents a life that is more familiar to me as most of my friends are now married and having babies. Or maybe it’s a novelty that I have yet to experience.

As for whether or not marriage is still relevant … the answer to that varies by individual and context. For society? Perhaps. Married people tend to be happier, healthier and more successful in life that us singletons. But for me does it provide a “significant and demonstrable bearing on the matter at hand”? Not really.

I’m quite certain that I can have a committed relationship, good health and myriad of success without matrimony. But some days, depending on the outcome of a date, the tug of my biological clock and/or the frequency with which I hang out with my married friends, it feels to be more significant than others.

So while my mind is now open to the idea of nuptials, my heart knows that it isn’t a necessary course of action to define my relationship, prove my place in life or secure the course of my future. We’ll see what happens... have several steps to go before walking down the aisle: like finding a man who I could possibly tolerate spending “the rest of my life” with. And good luck with that!

Dating in the Meantime

I recently re-watched one of my favorite movies of 2009: 500 Days of Summer. It just came out on DVD and is a must see for anyone who is a member of the modern dating world.

The movie is non-chronological telling of the number of days spent between beautiful, independent Summer and disillusioned, love-struck Tom. But more importantly, it’s a spot-on look at the makings, breakings and intimacies of what I call a “meantime relationship.”

This is a situation I understand well: I’m pretty sure I’ve spent more time in a meantime relationship than in a proper one – and on both sides. But what the movie clarified for me is something that I have known all along, but sometimes forget: when things are indefinable for an extended period of time, a long-term relationship does not follow.

A “meantime relationship,” as chronicled in 500 Days has several markers of a regular relationship – a real connection, physical attraction, a solid friendship, invested feelings, intimate relations. But what it generally lacks is one side being invested enough to make it a full-fledged, let’s give this a whirl, venture.

And it usually begins by one saying to the other, “I’m not looking for anything serious."

One may wonder why these relations are pursued when they are founded on such lackluster beginnings. I think it’s because there is a genuine affection, some seratonin kicks in, and it’s nice to have to have someone to hang out with - surely there must be the possibility of something more?! Even though the pieces don't add up to the whole, there’s still enough good in the situation to stick around and see what could happen.

But eventually – somewhere around Day 80 - frustration sets in. In the movie, an uncertain Tom asks Summer what they “are” – friends or a couple? And, she responds, “Why do you feel a need to put a label on things?”

Which is what people say when they know that their label won't correlate to your label. Because for the most part, we revolve around universally understood levels of relationships, generally fitting into one of the following categories:

• Platonic Friends: Men who fall into this category include husbands and boyfriends of your girlfriends, co-workers, gay men and other males with whom you have absolutely no attraction, but still enjoy their company.
• A Crush: You are interested in him, or he in you, but one of you is absolutely not interested in pursuing the relationship further, and it ends there. Unless, you move into…
• Friends with Benefits: A ritual as old as time and a sure bet when certain needs must be met. Both parties are physically attracted to each other, but for whatever reason, neither has any intentions to take things to the next level. Note: this category ONLY works if you truly don’t have urges to be properly….
• Dating: Both parties are physically attracted to each other and want to pursue things further, which is made clear to each other and the world by monogamous behavior, regular patterns of meals and outings, shared intimacy, plus communicated feelings that both parties may one day be interested in having a….
• Committed Relationship: This serious, long-term venture often involves living together and the assumption that one day marriage and/or family could be possible (or has already taken place).

Meantime relationships fall somewhere between friends with benefits and dating, and have the distinct characteristic of one person understanding the relationship to be within one category, while the other sees it as another. While navigating this modern dating world, it may take a while to fully understand which category your relationship falls within - or to realize that the one you’re in isn’t where you want to be.

At the end of the movie, Tom asks Summer how she knew her new guy was the one for her. She quietly replied, “I woke up and knew… what I was never sure of with you.”

Ouch. The sold-out Arclight crowd literally gasped in pain. But for me, it verbalized in one sentence what I have intuitively known, and have occasionally tried to ignore: most of the time, you just aren’t “the one.”

And that's okay - at one time or another, most people won't be until they are. And there are lots of things to be learned in the meantime. The trick is to learn before too much is invested.

All Growed Up

I’ve had a very busy month. This generally happens to most people in December, as it is filled with shopping, travel, wrapping up at work, packing and holiday partying it up. In my frenzied-ness, I’ve put off many of the normal day-to-day duties like grocery shopping, car washes and laundry – my clothes, sheets, blankets and towels have been dying for bath for a good three weeks now. Yikes.

And since I am leaving tomorrow for Christmas with mom, I had no choice but to spend my last night in town hunkered down at the neighborhood Laundromat to get it done. I’m personally laundering 12 loads while watching the Idol holiday special on the 19” TV and chatting with the attendant – yes, this is the glamorous life.

The smart thing to do would have been to take my clothes to the dry cleaner to have them fluffed and folded. I considered this, but decided that I didn’t want my dry cleaner checking out my underwear – not all of them are as cute as I would like to imagine. So in vanity, I sacrificed an entire evening to retain the safety of someone not knowing that I occasionally wear stretched-out pink cotton briefs.

So here is what I’ve taken away from this experience: if you own underwear that you don’t want others to see, get rid of them. It feels like a very grown-up thing to do. And as I’ve been thinking more about my list of New Year’s resolutions, some other mature to do’s have been on my mind as well. They include:

Wooden Hangers
A friend of mine swears that one should only have a closet full of wooden hangers. They are the best accessory to properly maintain your clothes – and their presence is a daily reminder that you are taking care of the things you own. Since my closet is half-filled with dry-cleaner wire hangers, it will probably cost me a fortune to check this one off the list – but probably well worth the investment.

Earthquake Kit
I live in Los Angeles and an earthquake at some point is inevitable. The responsible thing for us Angelenos to do is be prepared with “kit” that includes an emergency action plan, cash, water and canned goods. My ex always included a motorcycle in this plan (for driving through the desert to safety, of course), but I think I will be okay with a pair of old tennis shoes in the trunk of my car. And for those of you not in Los Angeles, this plan seems necessary for any of other run-of-the-mill natural disasters or emergencies.

How/When to Say No
I am a people pleaser by nature and I love being helpful. So I often say “Yes!” when someone asks me if I can help with something. But I am starting to get the sense that saying no is not only okay to do, but it is often quite necessary. And my gut seems to confirm this idea: almost every time I do something that I really don’t want to be doing, I get an overwhelming feeling of being unsettled – probably recognizing that I am prioritizing my life around someone else’s needs. So when someone asks me, “Can you ____________?” I am going to play a game called: Is this something that is important to me to help out with? And if the answer is no, I am going to try really hard to vocalize that.

Cash Savings
For years, I have been listening to Suze Orman advise women that they should have eight months of living expenses squirreled away in a liquid savings account. I am not a huge saver, so every time I read it I thought, “How in the world would I be able to save that much money?” Well, I’ve determined that it is eventually possible and in this economic environment, it’s probably a good idea. Knowing me, I will probably end up spending it on a trip to Italy, but at least I will have proven to myself that I am able to save.

So on my short list of resolutions, I’ve decided I’m saying no to obligation, multiple loads of laundry, wire hangers and being unprepared for an emergency. And yes to a very grown up New Year. I hope you will too!

Dream a little dream...

I recently had a dream about a life that wasn’t mine.

It was quite nice and featured a wonderfully loving relationship with a really great man – the kind of man that women really do dream about: handsome, successful, loving, funny, smart, completely connected. There was giddy fun, meals accentuated with great wine and long chats. I felt safe, loved and challenged.

And then I woke up. And I spent the day mourning the life I had a quick glimpse of.

And now that dream has really got me thinking. For years I’ve enjoyed my independence and my almost selfish regard for crafting a life that allows me to do what I want when I want. I’ve always been slightly skeptical of marriage and not 100% sure that I would have children, and I've never truly understood women who have singular intentions to achieve these things -certainly there are more important life goals like crafting a fulfilling career, exciting travel, sleeping in on the weekends, nights out, and fun men in the wings.

Don’t get me wrong: I really do like my life. It’s full and flexible and self-reliant. It includes close friends and a cat and a successful business. But now something has shifted slightly - and makes me think I’m ready to take a chance that will add something new. My Dream Dictionary says that “to dream of love/loving/being loved suggests … that you have a need to bring more of what characterized that relationship into your waking life.”

I think Jungian theory may be right on this one.

Surely one dream wont completely change my mentality; but that experience, coupled with the realization that I’m turning 30 this year, that it’s been almost three years since my last serious relationship and that the majority of my friends are coupled and procreating, has got me thinking about the future – and speculating that I might be ready to find that person to share it with.

It’s an exciting proposition. And with any luck he will also love sleeping late on Sundays, good food and wine, Oregon football, neurotic cats – and me.

The Way to Eat

Throughout my life, I have been on many diets – or eating plans as I prefer to call them – trying to find the most efficient and pleasant way to balance one of my favorite things, eating, with the ever-pressing need to maintain a healthy body and svelte-ish figure.

It started in high school when I became a vegetarian. Then after college and the requisite weight gain I became a calorie counter and lost 40 pounds over two years. From there I went dairy-free and then moved into the most Draconian of them all: raw. This last eating plan (which I actually really enjoyed) lasted a mere six-weeks and ended dramatically when my doctor told me I was anemic.

At that point, I think I’d had enough calorie counting, food choice monitoring and Erewhon-shopping, and fell into the much easier and far more exciting All-American eating plan called “I’m going to eat whatever I want!” Which was super fun and liberating – until the eventual realization that I’d gained 10 pounds eating our All-American shit. I also felt pretty crappy.

After that wake up call, I quickly sprang into action – headed back to the gym, ate and drank less and monitored my calories. But the most exciting outcome was that I realized I needed to become more connected to the whole practice of eating once and for all.

It was during my raw-foods period that I really began to think more thoughtfully about food: what exactly it is, where it comes from, and how it’s produced. As with anything I'm interested in, I dove in head first, doing a lot of reading and research.

I became familiar with philosophies of the “real food” movement gurus including Michael Pollan (In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto and The Omnivore’s Dilemma), Eric Schlosser (Food, Inc.), Alice Waters (Food Activist and Owner of Chez Panisse) and Bill Niman (Sustainable Rancher and Owner of BN Ranch), and tuned in to more mainstream media reports about organics, the slow food movement, and “eating green” by reducing meat intake.

And so I learned what constitutes high-fructose corn syrup (cheap, Government-subsidized corn in a super-sweet liquid form) and its contribution to modern day nutrition (its empty calories make us fat and increase our sugar cravings); how the chicken breast arrived on my salad (an unfortunate chick endures a horrible life at a cramped slaughterhouse, is pumped with hormones and fed a diet it would not eat in nature, is then inhumanely plucked, killed and butchered and packaged and shipped all across the country in a semi-truck); how food producers easily dupe us into thinking that food products - like GoGurt and Kraft Singles – are actually real food (FDA regulations no longer require them to label foods as “imitation” if they are chemically altered); and the negative side effects of food dyes and additives (Red Food Dye #40 may contribute to hyperactivity, restlessness, and attention problems in some children).

Um... no thank you.

When you really think about the myriad of non-natural things that make up the food we put into our bodies, it really starts sounding quite awful – and certainly can’t be healthy. Fifty years of food innovation and chemistry have created a separation of what is food and what is a slick combination of chemicals, dyes and preservatives. It can only take an industry so far, and for this now-educated eater, it has gone far enough.

So I am reverting back to the “retro” eating plan employed by anyone born before 1950 – one that comes from our earth (not a lab!) and offers nutrients, complex flavors and useful fuel for the body.

And it looks like this:

• Eat only unmodified, whole foods that are grown on this earth; and combination foods that have very short ingredients lists that are understandable and recognizable. As Michael Pollan says, "Don't eat anything that can't rot.")
• Eat fewer servings of meat and fish. When possible, these meats should come from farms and ranches that use sustainable methods, use no hormones or antibiotics, feed animals their natural diets, and treat animals with dignity.
• Eat foods with no artificial flavors, colors, preservatives or derivatives – this includes most fast food, processed food, any unnaturally colored food and high fructose corn syrup.

This “diet” is the most natural – and responsible – of all, and really it’s not that hard to do. It is basically reverting back to the native diet of our ancestors; the way people have been eating for generations before we were blessed with food chemistry and its cheap and abundant offspring.

And because the "bad" stuff gets ruled out and is replaced with the more satisfying, healthy stuff, this idea works as a natural weight-management tool as well.

So although I will miss the convenience of grab-and-go food, Splenda in my coffee, and Diet Coke and Baked Lays with my Subway 6" Veggie, I am more excited to be fueling my body with the real things it craves.

This realization has also put an end to my twelve-year "eating plan” experiments: turns out all I need to do is eat like a normal human.

Change Your Perspective, Change Your Business Life

As I’ve mentioned before, I love traveling for work. I feel a distinct sense of purpose and freedom: I get to be out of the office, but I’m also taking care of necessary business. It is also my favorite time to catch up on business reading – and many of the ideas I come across when 33,000 feet up seem to sink in more deeply than when perused on the couch.

Case in point: four years ago, on an American flight from LAX-NYC, I was reading this article in Entrepreneur when I had the idea that became my second business. I launched The Modern Concierge a year later and I remember that moment of insight as if it were yesterday (and to this day, I always choose a window seat on all flights).

Today I was thrilled to have a similar experience. On another American flight, I was reading Inc. (November issue), and came to the recurring segment, “The Way I Work,” this month featuring Jason Fried, founder of 37Signals. The three-page article, as told to Liz Welch, outlined his typical workday and overall work philosophy - and rocked my world.

Fried describes the way he works as “less is more,” without implying that “more is better.” He neither believes in the necessity of a 40-hour workweek, nor knows how many hours his employees actually work. And he doesn’t seem to care – as long as the work gets done. I had a moment of pure connection with his way of thinking - and it filled me with as much excitement as the moment I had my new business idea years before.

From the day I began working at age 16, I’ve correlated hours spent at the office to levels of perceived productivity. And my brain’s been stuck in that outdated paradigm ever since. Even as a business owner – which one would suspect comes with a certain level of flexibility?! - I never truly altered my idea about what a workday should, or could, look like.

And now, with a glimpse of how someone else manages his time and business, which intuitively feels more natural and resourceful (and has successful outcomes!), I am empowered to try something fresh. Implementing this “new” philosophy may just be the change I’ve been craving – and will hopefully more fully connect me to my job, my company and my life.

So, once again thanks to a business magazine, I've found my new business idea for the year. And I have a sense that this one may actually be more successful and longer lasting that the last – plus come with the added bonus of making me more efficient with my time overall.

Old Flames

For the last two weeks Los Angeles has been surrounded by terrible forest fires. More than 155,000 acres have burned with thousands of firefighters from all over the west coast working around the clock to protect our communities. And those brave men and women are slowly, but surely, making progress.

It is not a pleasant scenario. But for me, the fire season always triggers a trip down relationship memory lane – reminding me of the men who have been an integral part of my life and the role they have played in shaping who I have become.

And mostly because my first love – and possibly the first guy to love me – is a firefighter. He is married and still lives in the town we grew up in; and we haven’t been in touch for a long time. But I was there when he decided to devote his career to fighting fires, and without fail, when a big fire erupts in Southern California, I turn my thoughts to him and wonder how he is doing, who he has grown up to become, and if he might be just around the corner, fighting the fires that threaten the city I now call home.

Since I am still single, it is often easier to remember all of the nonsense that happens during years of dating. But tonight, while looking at the full plume of smoke hovering on the horizon, I have sweet thoughts of the 15 years of men - beginning with the firefighter - who have been a part of my life.

None of these guys was the “the one” for me, but much of what I know about loving another and what that involves, I learned from them. What they have given me in life experience, friendship, and lessons learned is invaluable for recognizing the right one when he comes along. A small part of each of them is intrinsic to who I have become and how I approach dating – and no matter the circumstance of how it ended, they all have a special place in my heart.

So wherever my old friend is tonight – whether back home in Vegas or over the hill fighting the Station Fire that has consumed LA, I wish him – and the others - well and take a moment to be thankful for all they have contributed to my life.